Today being Kenny Rogers Day, I’ve decided that instead of sacrificing a llama to his memory, I will instead begin “Friday”. That’s right. Quote Friday. Help me come up with a catchier name if you will. Goodness knows I wasn’t meant for the marketing department. I was meant for a dark corridor inhabited by golems and wherewolves.
On that note, Halloween is approaching, as is Evangelical panic of massive hysterical porportions. I’ve decided to go trick-or-treating as one of two of the most scary things known to man, or maybe both if I have time: Celine Dion or Richard Simmons.
Me: So I cut the tool’s time down by 20%, thereby allowing the company to make that many more tools per shift, all of my own free will, with no reward or anything.
Lisa: Would you like my gum? *pulls gum out of her mouth*
Me: And then some moron comes along and makes a dumb joke.
Steve: And then another moron comes along a says that Superman never got paid anything.
Lisa: I still think the gum thing was pretty funny.
Me: In a past life I was Pharaoh and you were my esteemed underling.
Jerry: Your esteemed underwear?
Me: Yes. Your name was John. Long John.
Annonymous: Go in there, Steve! Wreak it! Wreak it like you’ve never wreaked before!
Becka: You’re killing my joy, you… killjoy!
Me: If a zombie is technically a dead human being that walks, but it eat brains, that means that it must have a functional dietary system that digests brains. And considering all the other functions necessary for a digestive system, how can zombies really be dead, if their brain is functioning?
Becka: Maybe the brains they eat are alive.
Me: Because if you eat a live mouse, it crawls down your throat and digests itself.
Becka: Maybe their brain is outside their head, like in their liver or something.
Stu: Did you say “gum bust”? I think I’m dyslexic, because I heard “bum gust”.
Steve: Oil and blood. Yummy.
Stu: It’s the new salad dressing.
Me: I’m just a well-lubricated vampire, that’s all.
Me: You find that your wife adores you and sometime you wonder why?
Me: I don’t think a lot of women are like that.
So-worker: No. So if you find one that is… do what she says.
Lisa: You’ve always wanted to be a complete and utter freak, but never had the capacity to fulfil that in your life.
Annonymous: I’m just thankful for my hardworking father, whatshisname.
Me: What were you just in deep thought about?
Steve: Well I was drinking this water, and I thought water bottle, and then I thought water truck. Then I thought of driving down Caledon Hill today, and how there was this water truck. And then I thought how much weight the water truck had in it and how it was speeding up. Then I though, what would happen if one of the wheels came off the water truck and hit the side of my car? What if the wheel hit me hard enough to spin me into oncoming traffic. Then I thought, what I was near death and someone saved me? Then I thought of the speech I’d give at the big ceremony they’d have in Orangeville.
Me: You’re kidding.
Steve: No… I have an imagination.
Me: You’re like freaking Anne of Green Gables.
Me: I wish he wasn’t like the freaky retarded love child of Diana Ross and Richard Simmons.