Hello, friends.

This is by far the hardest time I’ve ever had over a girl. By far. I feel like all the threads we’ve woven into eachother are being pulled out one by one. Like I was climbing a hill, only to find an unpassable mountain beyond it. Like I was brutally pulled out of the womb, and my first breaths are more painful than I could have imagined.

I feel like a failure. Again. Another one ends. Sure, this was different. Circumstances, faces, people: all these things are different. But the end result’s the same. In some ways, I’ve lost my best friend, and any friendship beyond this is just an imitation. We’ll be the ghost of what we were.

I have the pictures and the memories. For that, I’m thankful. The past has been beautiful, this four month stand. Really, it felt like forever. It was supposed to be forever – but it isn’t. And going back to that place, the place where she was freshly minted in my mind as just a possibility – that’s more than difficult. It’s impossible.

And while my fought-for optimism fails me, I barely dare hope for a fresh beginning, that elusive someday. That’s too much to ask, even of this beautiful life.

Well here’s some news you can use.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. It’s been even longer since I’ve said anything substantive about myself. I finally have some news. Remember this post, way back in the day? Read it. Not so long ago, was it? Not really. Lots of words inbetween now and then. Lots of things have been said. All the good times. The bad times.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fairytale is over. After ever after, even. The short of it is that me and Mary broke up on Saturday. February 26, 2005. Cold. Our breath was in the air, white. It’s hard to talk of, now, except dancing around it. Examining the event from a distance. I’ll be a surgeon later.

Let it be said that she and I were gracious about it. Mature. We said the things that had to be. We left, the sea draining in both of us. It was a cruel birth, or death. But it was needful.

I can’t seem to get warm anymore. I’m shivering. They tell me it’s warm in here, but I doubt them – they must be lying. Turning down the thermostat. Opening doors. I haven’t found sleep. Trust me, I want to – but I can’t. I haven’t eaten except some soup yesterday. I wanted to vomit afterwards. Not hungry, still.

I had a dream last night, and you were in it. You were happy. I told you I loved you. Woke up, and it was still true.

I feel like I’m living in a movie.

Do you ever have a time in your life that feels like a movie? More specifically, one of those movies that repeats itself over and over again. I keep repeating the same lines every time; I just get better at saying them each time.

I found myself writing a song today based on a bridge from one of my old ones called “Merrygoround”. I thought about the same things. I envisioned the same conversations.

But maybe I’m making progress. The lines of reason went somewhere. I learned something. I was honest with myself. These are good things.