This is going to be a bit of a longish post. But hopefully – now that you’ve come back from voting – you need some relief. This is what this post is for.
Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.
9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.
“Alex, I’ll take ‘Things Only I Know’ for $200”
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Corduroy pillows – they’re making headlines!
Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Sheep don’t fly so much as plummet.
“My greatest fear is that no one will remember me after I’m dead.” – some dead guy
This is a dog getting all up on someone’s grill.
If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord…
My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident: I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
Lucas, destroyer of my childhood. Internet, destroyer of Lucas.
The Pastoral Search Committee
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.
Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not ‘fallen.’
Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real ‘pain in the neck.’
Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
The Pastoral Search Committee
Two words: Robopope. No, wait. One word. Yeeeeeah.
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy, and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
ROCK OUT DUDE LOL
He Who Dies With the Most Toys Is In This Blog Post
7th Day Adventist
He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
They were our toys first.
There is no toy maker.
All toys are just fine with us.
Once played, always played.
He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Church of Christ
He whose toys make music, loses.
Church of Christ, Scientist
We are the toys.
Everyone gets the same number of toys, and we kill you if we catch you selling yours.
Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
The toys made themselves.
Toys are a figment of your imagination.
No, they were OURS first.
He who plays with the most toys, wins.
To heck with the rule book!? Let’s play!
He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Just play with them.
He whose toys can talk, wins.
There are many toy makers.
The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Tr4sh = p0wned, n00b!
dan (there ya go)